I tried again today, but still failed. And after thinking about it, I think I know why I failed.
It was not because of lack of practice. I had a year to prepare.
It was not because of lack of guidance, my teacher provided plenty of that.
It was because I was too nervous during the actual exam. Even before I entered the grounds, I was feeling nervous. I was so nervous since last night, I had difficulty sleeping. I was so nervous, I couldn't find appetite to eat until I grew so hungry I had to grab something. I was nervous when entering the exam ground, I was nervous in front of the examiners. I was nervous and rushed through my routines, wanting to get out of there as soon as I can. I was so nervous, I forgot the most important thing about taiji: staying calm.
My teacher said my routine was so different from what I usually do during practice, that he felt nervous for me watching from the side.
The cause of this nervousness? Lack of confidence, that is the conclusion I came to after reflecting.
I never suffer from this during practice. I am confident in front of my teacher because I know I have put in effort to correct the mistakes that he pointed out. I am confident that I have not let his teachings gone to waste.
But in front of others, I lost confidence. I lost confidence because I wasn't sure if what I am doing is acceptable to others, I am not sure if they appreciate what I am doing (I know this has some link to the need to answer to myself and not to others, but I will leave that discussion to some other day). I didn't have confidence in myself, in what I was doing. I was so concerned about passing that I lost sight of the need to be ready to lose. And thus, the nervousness.
The way ahead? Practise practise practise until I am so good, even I cannot dispute my own worth. Continue to seek the guidance of my teacher. And also, find opportunities to practise in front of others, to perform, so that good or bad, I put myself up for criticism, that I learn to accept criticism and from there learn about how others view my routines. In summary, practise a lot, follow my teacher's guidance and listen to the criticism given by others.
Hopefully, in a few years time when I try again, I would have gained the confidence in myself and remove the nervousness.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Nervous (aka Lack of Confidence)
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4 comments:
at least now you know where your weakness are. am quite surprise that you will feel nervous though. you always appear very confidence to me. :)
jia you!
Hi, I feel sad but this is a really inspiring post. I do taekwondo but have failed a grading before for similar reasons. Like you I think this involves much more practice and I am asking a lot more questions from others and trying to apply it.
I wish you all the very best with your journey,
Nicola
You are giving me an impression of "steady" for all the times.
However, maybe just that we take it too serious, "die die" must pass, so pressure came.
I will experience the same as you if I were there too. And i has been thinking of how to get rid of the tension during the test or performance.
Performance for first time will be nervous and it is gone the 2nd time. However, the nervous for test will be different from performance. Am still thinking how to hypnotize myself, or either trying to ignore the outcome and focus on showing the best i have.
Tried this during practice today, to not just think too much and go with the flow. It kind of worked. I felt that the movements were smoother, there was more flavour, because I was not actively searching for it. I guess the important thing is to let go and go with the flow.
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